I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
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“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to