Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
You Might Also Like
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
*looks at you in batman voice*
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️