Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
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STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Bike for sale
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Well, this is awkward