You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
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launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Basketball games are very squeaky.