Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
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(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.