*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
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In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH