I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
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I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Do not levitate over flowers
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.