Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
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I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.