I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
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I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
am i feeling hopeful about the future?