“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
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I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
house sitting!
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*