When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
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Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
That’s amazing.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
This sounds bad:
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs