Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
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No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.