Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
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WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”