No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
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Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension