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Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona