[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
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[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it