When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
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Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Batman v Dracula
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.