When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
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“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.