Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
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It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅