My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
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accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Eat…
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids