#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
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left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
6: are snakes just neck?
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Social Media and Real life
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle