ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
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Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I’m giving up for Lent.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Rather alarming headline…
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
no regrets
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?