Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
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Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
What if the weather talks about us?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
The devil.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.