I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
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*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
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