To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
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I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.