Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
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dude it’s called proctologist
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.