The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.