Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
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I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
My good tweets are in my other pants.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.