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Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
But wait…