Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
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[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
If snakes were wide
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
cry laughing at this shit
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.