cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
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I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.