Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
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Still my favorite headline of all time:
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.