therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
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I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.