[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
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I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Gemma Correll
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.