We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
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Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer