What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
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Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.