The cats activated the rainbow portal again
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“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.