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if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Sooo many times…..
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer