when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
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Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Straight people are cancelled
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
good let them take over I have had enough
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I want this so bad
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?