Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Milk Cube
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.