[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
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I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Become ungovernable.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
smartest karate player in the world
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.