Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
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When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
i think both sides are to blame here
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat