[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
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[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur