[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
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Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.