My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
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They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.