GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
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babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too