TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
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Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.