I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
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I have a black belt in leather
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Ape together strong
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”