what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
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One venti cheeseburger please.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.