Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
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I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
how much for the angry fruit?
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*